What Can I Say?

Aw naw! She’s back!

I canny imagine you’ve missed me but maybe you’ve noticed I’ve been missing. It’s not that I’ve not had anything to write about; I’ve had loads. It’s not even like I’m not in front of a computer all day, I could have written a full novel at this rate.

So what have I been doing? I got accepted for Glasgow Uni at the beginning of last year. Strathclyde rejected me on the basis that “they didn’t have a Sociology department anymore and anyway (your) qualifications aren’t good enough any more”. Arseholes. This put me in the shit for my SAAS application. Aside from the fact I’d already had previous funding, I wouldn’t be allowed repeat year funding (even on medical grounds) because I wasn’t studying the same course at the same University. Never mind that it’s impossible, I was told that SAAS’s ‘hands were tied’. Ack, a little thing like University fees of £1820 for the semester wouldn’t stop me. I worked out, based on my meagre SLC award I’d be able to pay a reasonable amount to the fees per month to have it all paid by the end of the Semester. So I quit work in August(?) and started Uni in September.

It’s funny; the whole point of going back to Uni was to kick-start my writing again. I’ve always wanted to get a Degree and unfortunately other things got in the way the last (two times) I was there. I wouldn’t say it’s been any easier this time; although this time I have the best support possible and a staunch group of cheerleaders egging me on at every stage. I’m sitting my exams just now and, frankly, I’m shitting myself. I don’t know how they are going to go. I’ve been busy and I’ve not been in the right frame of mind to write in ages.

Not that I’ve been short of subjects to write about, mind you. So much has changed for me since last year it almost feels strange to come back here. It’s a bit like walking into a place you used to live and nothing has been changed, even though it feels like forever since you left. That’s a weird feeling.

And not even just little old me, everything in the world seems different; more corrupt, more unequal, less about people who need help and more about people who need stamped out of society. Ack, what can I say? It was bound to happen, wasn’t it?

 

 

One Of Those Days

I’ve been on backshifts.

HA!

Backshifts really are the devil’s arsehole. Nothing makes me more annoyed at not having ownership of my own labour, than being at the mercy of shift schedules which force me to work 1-9’s.

Everyone should finish at 5pm, everyone; office staff, … Actually, I can only think of office staff because I think that Chinese and Indian takeaways should still be able to deliver me food at 11pm, and shops; shops should still be open so I can get milk and bread after work because I don’t get a chance to go beforehand.

So, office workers should definitely ALL finish at 5pm. Actually, not the people who work in the offices at SAAS – they should be made to work from dusk till dawn so that people don’t have to join a call queue at number 52 and wait 45 minutes on hold. Or SAAS should just take on more staff. As should HMRC; then they could have enough time to deal with my enquiry properly instead of rushing me off the line after 2 minutes (also I’d like a job there).

Having to sit tight and watch colleagues skip gleefully (they may as well!) out of the office at 5pm is sheer misery. The rest of the night is measured out in painful reminders. There is so much I could be doing right now; at half five, I would be on my street; at half six, I would be settling down to Reporting Scotland.  Miserable, miserable, miserable. Stupid capitalism.

I sacrificed 2 hours holiday leave to escape early. I’m weak. I’m also a FOOL; if I’d had any sense I’d have stayed in work so as not to have to listen to the stupid football on the television. The boy’s love it but it’s a bit harsh on the old melon after a shift.

Also, is there any way for B1rds3y3 Steamfresh frozen fish NOT to come out spongy, with a tangy oily after-taste that coats the back of your throat – the way that, say, lip gloss might if you got a bit overexuberant with it? If there is, then I’d like to find out soon since I have to eat it for dinner most nights to control calories.

Anyway, I’m just grumpy because I have to start at 8am (which means being up at 6am!!) and I’m still in backshift ‘being-awake-till-1am-sleeping-till-9am’ mode.

I shouldn’t really complain…

Goodnight.

This Is Just A Tribute…

I lost my phone. I lost it between a parked car and a first floor flat.

Yep!

After months of managing to hold onto it, despite being in some states, I dropped it in the street whilst totally* sober and didn’t notice until a few hours later that it was gone. In that time someone had obviously picked it up and carried it off – I phoned it until it was turned off…and I knew it was lost forever.

I was like THAT!! (on the inside, obv!)

There are worst things in this world to happen to you than losing your phone, so I’ve tried to keep it in perspective.

I’m fine, HONEST!

I’ve gone cold turkey because I don’t even have a spare to use until I get a new one. It’s been hard. I honestly wonder how people managed to stand being alive before mobile phones were invented/widely used.

NO THANKS!!

When I leave the house I become totally unreachable. I know some people might think that could be a good thing; that I might find some sense of inner peace that’s been lost by being contactable at all times.

No!

But that is horseshit, seriously. Why some people get nostalgic for a time when we didn’t all have mobile phones is beyond me- I don’t trust these people.

I had a phone lock, a sim card lock AND a memory card lock and I sincerely hope that’s enough to stop whoever found my phone from raiding through it.

Pretty sure this would be their exact reaction!

Between the endless pictures I’ve taken of my own face, to the conversations I’ve had with a few of my friends…Well, I’m not going to be coming off very well put it that way.

Pretty much

I’m just not going to think about it.

I’m sure it’s amazing how much our phones might actually say about us. My phone was almost an extension of my brain. It had so much of me on it; my pictures (obv), my music, my writing, my conversations and sense of humour and all my porn. :(( (JOKE)

Luckily I’m insured and pretty much everything had been backed up pretty recently, so it’s not all bad**.

*Yes it is and we all know it

*not totally

Every Cloud…?

"That's a good inch...YES!"

I’ve had a week-long stomach bug. I have to say, I quite enjoy a little stomach flu; probably in a way that only a girl can, especially post christmas.

Every cloud has a silver lining eh?

 

All the sweating, shivering and vomiting aside – I’m quite happy to be a few pounds lighter at next to no effort. It really doesn’t feel like dieting if you genuinely aren’t hungry. Let’s face it, anything that gives me a relatively painless kick-start to the new year diet is going to be welcomed.

 

City Sprinter to Eastwood. No joke.

 

The only downside is, obviously, still having to drag my sorry arse into work. After a day of almost solid dry-boaking, I’m exhausted. The journey to and from work has jumped up a notch in the discomfort stakes, now that everyone is back from their Christmas Holidays and absolutely determined to CRAM themselves onto the City Sprinter.

 

SHHHHH GEMMA!!!!

Anyway, I need to go. I feel an attack of the dry boak coming on and I still need to put cat food out for Gemma who is currently scream-miaowing in my face.

 

 

 

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Awkward Moment In 3…2…1…

I'm not quite as bad as this....YET!

Due to an extreme drop in my ‘give a fuck’ gauge; I’ve taken to wearing training shoes on the journey to and from work (see picture above). I know it looks a bit crazy but the weather really forced my hand on this one. I took one look outside yesterday morning; looked at my heeled boots  and thought “NOPE!”.

Like this (almost exactly)

My walk to work yesterday was pretty terrifying. On top of the fact the street is near lined with big, heavy-looking trees, there are a few big houses with precarious looking solar panels attached to the roofs (is that right? roofs?). I understand people (with money) might want to wean themselves off fossil fuels but I couldn’t help feel annoyed at them for wanting saving the planet, while I was having to worry about getting scoped in the napper by one if the wind decided to carry it off.

SELFISH!!!

I did my best ‘morning run-walk’ past them. You know, that half walk/half run you do in the morning when your joints are just waking up and you haven’t quite got the hang of any co-ordination yet?

Like this? No? Just me?

It was fine anyway, and I was glad I had my stupid boots in a bag so I didn’t have to also worry about doing one of these numbers.

A constant fear....

It was all going well, too. I was loving that I didn’t have to worry about falling while running for the bus after work anymore. But as we know, the universe has its little ways of making you remember that it doesn’t LIKE you to have things easy.

Somewhere, an evil genie is probably laughing at all your fails.

So, after work I rejoiced in the fact that I made the early bus and climbed on with a spring in my step, all happy with my own cleverness. Why doesn’t EVERYONE do this, I thought. Stupid work shoes in a bag, BOOM – on with the trainers. YES!!!

I was like THAT!

Then, it happened.

I did this face (inside)

As I strode widely and confidently, in my own wee smug bubble, I saw something unfold that I was powerless to prevent.

The plastic bag with my cold, hard heels swung with alarming momentum toward the bony knee of an unsuspecting old man sitting at the front of the bus. DINK! The noise actually made me wince.

I'll never enjoy this noise ever again...

The business end of a thick heel THWACKED his frail old knee. He let out a faint groan and looked up at me accusingly, clutching his knee. I apologised then hurried past and took a seat, totally ashamed. I stared at him and watched him rubbing his glass knee for a few seconds until HE probably forgot about it.

But I couldn’t. He didn’t look that old, maybe 60-odd, but he was FRAIL and sitting at the FRONT of the bus. Sometimes I think older men purposely walk past the front seats on the bus just to PROVE they don’t need them. The fact that my poor victim had needed to sit at the front, got me thinking; imagine he had just come out of hospital or something?

I looked at my stupid boots in my stupid bag and my stupid trainers and knew it was the end of, what could have been, a beautiful partnership. I’m simply too clumsy to be trusted.

Probably my next move from here...

So tomorrow, it’s back to normal. SAKE.

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Things Can Only Get Better..And Why I have Whiplash

*dusts hands*

Just when you think you’ve got the year wrapped up, and it’s all gone swimmingly well (except this) – you still have to have a  SUCCESSFUL Hogmanay celebration or the whole year gets classed as being shite.

Last night I was in that dreaded position of having to:

1) Get a taxi

2) Ask the taxi driver if he could stop at the shops because I needed a cash point and an off-licence (of course)

At the junction between Merrylee Road and Clarkston Road the taxi driver turned the corner and nearly rear-ended someone. I wasn’t prepared for it because I was too busy looking at my phone. The taxi driver slammed his anchors on and we screeched to a halt. It was quite a hairy moment.

I was just thankful we could continue on the journey or that would have been my night FUCKED.

Seriously mate, can you just phone get me another taxi?

Unfortunately, the driver then went to the wrong shops and had to double back. When we passed the shops the first time the cash point was free but when we got back there were two people there. By the time I’d walked up to it, there were three people. Three people, folks.

It felt like the three people who were in front of me seemed to taking AGES using them. You know the kind of people I mean; the kind that get a balance, a printed balance AND cash with a receipt. I think the second lassie actually took her card out then put it back in again. I actually pictured me punching her in the back of the head, then stepping over her unconscious body – but everyone gets a little impatient when they have a taxi waiting. Don’t they???

Internal rage dilmma: Be kicked to death now or risk a tumour later?

I got into the Off-Licence and there were two lassie pals trying to decide what they were buying AT the counter. The helpful attendant was telling them of special offers and the lassies were debating what to buy. I knew what I wanted, I wanted Vodka. If I was at the counter I’d say, “Oh, you go ahead I can’t decide yet!” but NO- I’m waiting with a taxi running like a total dafty.

I got there eventually at a £3 different in taxi fare, which I fully blame on keeping the driver waiting for 10 minutes while people act like rude arseholes. I eventually arrived at my pals house sweating like a rapist jogging up and down the Broomilaw (too soon?). But seriously, it was a bad start to the night, I was pure sweating.

I.fucking.wish.

As soon as I arrived I could see the funny side of all the delay, I was here now and all was fine. Cut to an hour later when my neck starts KILLING ME. So I have whiplash. I’m starting 2012 with whiplash, which will delay my exercise/fitness/no cake plan by at least a WEEK. What are your immediate plans for January? I’m going to be take painkillers and acting like a wounded cat. The way I see it, things can only get better.

YES!

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Hogmanay 2011: It’s A Celebration, Bitches!

So, we are saying goodbye to 2011. This has been a strange year, simply because a lot has happened: I’ve changed my job, made some lovely new friends, celebrated my younger brothers’ wedding to one of my best friends…the list goes on. I’m extremely lucky. The universe has looked after me this year in a big way, and I’ve had several moments when the amazing realisations of how lucky I am have overwhelmed me to the point of full on smug bubble levels.

Like this...

It’s been a great year, but because of that – 2012 could go either way. It has the potential to be worse than this year, but it also has the potential to be even better. So, for that reason, my New Years resolution is that I am going to do everything I can to MAKE it better. I’m going to actively pursue an even better year for myself. I don’t have it all planned out exactly; but just as I tackled some shit in 2011- I’m going to actively tackle a lot of shit in 2012.

Like doing more of this...

Nobody is perfect, and of course we will all get things wrong next year. But who cares, because in 365 days from now, we will be able to look back on it all and say – “PHEW, I’m glad I got past THAT…now to next year!”

It’s easy to dwell on all the bullshit that life can throw at you. But don’t be blind, because you are probably one of the luckiest people you know, in your own way. Nobody can have all the exact things in your life which make it amazing. This year you can make some real progress, because it’s all in front of you to grab with both hands. No doubt we will lose more amazing people in 2012, but we’ll face all of that together at the time – and we’ll come out together at the other side.

If you have any regrets then let them go. It’s time to shake it off. A wise woman once said, “If you can’t look back at all of the laughs and all of the tears and know you’ve learned something; then it’s been a wasted year!” Those are some words to live by right there.

Tonight I’m going to spend some time with my family, then, I’m going to go to a party and start making some mistakes.

I expect full reports of everyone’s Hogmanay plans and New Year’s Resolutions for 2012 in the comments section. If you do one more worthwhile thing before the year is gone, make that to subscribe and share my blog. If you don’t, you know what happens next….

Remember....

HAVE A GOOD ONE! Look after yourselves. xx

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Then…

Being a parent at Christmas has it’s advantages, there is so much magic around the whole day – it’s a fantastic time of year. However, it DOES have it’s down-sides.

WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY?

Last night, I fell victim to the dreaded ‘sharp toy in the foot’ injury. After Christmas, the risk of this sort of eye-watering and frankly infuriating accident increases by about 100%.

Most parents will know the score already; you sneak in to tuck the little one(s) in and kiss them goodnight and even though you managed to get over to them with no problem, somehow, when you turn to tip-toe out the room you stand on something tiny, razor-sharp and end up doing that silent scream number.

Like this...

This year, Santa brought the kids a lot of little collectable  toys that we told them to keep in good condition and – apart from the Matt Smith Dr Who figure whose head nearly ended up embedded in the soul of my foot, they’ve managed quite well so far.

Despite a full on (and pretty brutal) clear-out of all the old and broken toys in order to make way for a mountain of new toys, the kids room looks something like this.

NOT REALLY!!

When you have kids, for a period of about a week immediately following Christmas, all hell will break loose in your house. Unless you are super-organised, which I’m not, then it takes time to find space for all the new stuff. If you are trying to cram everything into one room, good luck. If you manage this quick enough then you might avoid hurting yourself, by standing or tripping over things, after dear old St Nick has visited your children.

Good luck trying to make sense of those instruction, folks...

Not to mention the sheer frustration in getting all those board games set up and explaining all the rules. It’s enough to harsh the melons of even the most patient parent.

So, right now, I’m off to set-up and explain ‘Guess Who’ to the kids. If you don’t hear from me again it’s possibly because I’m in a mental-health ward somewhere; curled in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and cursing the name of Santa Claus.

What are your least favourite moments in the aftermath of Christmas?

WISH ME LUCK!

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Reaching Critical Mass

She's thinking ''...at least I still have a nice face!" CORRECT ATTITUDE, I say.

I know everyone will worry about their weight at some point in the year. Christmas is usually the peak of that time for me. The thought of sitting round with all my family, who are prone to ripping the piss, makes me suddenly go “oh shiiit!”.

This year it started a bit earlier than usual for me though; when I caught sight of my face in a rear-view mirror last week. It took me a second to recognise my own face, which is when you know it’s bad.

You know, 'that' moment.

The problem is, I absolutely love myself. I know what you’re thinking – that isn’t a bad thing, surely? Well, let me tell you it CAN be. I call it Reverse Body Dysmorphia…no matter how much weight I put on over the year, I still look in the mirror and think “YES!”.

In this voice.

It’s bad I know. Although I always say self deprecation is the laziest form of humour – I’m still brilliant at it. Why? Because I LOVE myself. Don’t get me wrong, there are things I’d like to change and I make at least 3 strong attempts per year at it; but overall my thought is – well, I’ve got some great features and if there are people who don’t agree then so fucking what. People can get a bit annoyed with you if you make jokes about yourself because they think you are being serious, or like a lot of people do, fishing for compliments. If you don’t take yourself seriously then I don’t think it’s about any of that; it’s about having a laugh because, at the end of the day, you are pretty secure with yourself.

At the moment I’ve been eating roughly two dinners per day for the last week between all the visiting and Christmas get-togethers. I feel like bursting at the seams.

If you are giving yourself the heavy guilt trip about all the shit you end up eating over Christmas, then relax. It doesn’t matter. You can always lose it over the next month or so, no problem. Go look at yourself in the mirror, pick out your favourite feature and say ”a few mince pies won’t change my beautiful (insert)!” then go back to your business. You’ll feel better, unless your favourite feature is cheek-bones or a six-pack.

If THIS is your bag, then maybe just ignore my festive eating advice, ok? Ok!

If you’ve got body issue’s in general then my advice is to completely ignore those parts you don’t like and focus all your love on your GOOD parts. Makes things sooooo much easier. Until you try and get into a pair of Primark jammies, that is!!!

" I don't get it, this nightie is the RIGHT size!??!!"

So, even though I feel like I’m reaching critical mass, I’m not about to get all morose about it. Fuck it. It’s CHRISTMAS. Right?

 

 

 

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Mens Buns

I’m going to talk about something you probably think about all the time. BUMS!

I was never really been into mens buns until recently. Yes, I say ‘buns’; I think the word ‘bum’ is very unattractive.

'Buns' conjure up a far nicer image don't they? Mmmm buns.....see?

Anyway, I was never particularly bothered if a guy had a nice pair of buns, because it wasn’t something I looked at, really. Recently though, I’ve been on a pure bun frenzy (if you will). Honestly, I cannot stop checking out mens arses. There’s nothing better than seeing a guy with a hot arse. Thing is, imagine I was a guy saying all that about girls arses…I’d be totally derided as a mad sex pest.

Well, I’m here to tell you that women can be sex pests too.

Inside, girls are making this face

 

So right now I’m holding my hands up and saying, to all the guys right now – I’m checking out your arses, ok? YEP! I’m checking them RIGHT out.

If I had £1 for everytime I’ve seen some guy clocking on my chest I’d be one rich lassie right now.

So don’t grudge me a wee look at some hot guys in awesome jeans, ok? (girls, click here 😉

Who thinks it’s out of order for people to have a wee sly check of someones goods? Is it? Or is it just nature? Tell me what you think! As long as you don’t go out on the rape or anything, looking’s ok surely? Who’s guilty? And what are your sneaky swatching techniques. SHARE THEM!

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