Showing Affection In Public: 5 Questions To Ask Yourself First

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I don’t grudge people showing each other a little affection, but there IS a limit.

So, I’ve put together a short list of questions to ask yourself before you start getting stuck into someone in public like a horny fucking teenager…

1)    Are you in the closing scene of a Hollywood romantic comedy?

This is NOT you, ok?

2)       Did your partner just ask you to marry them?


Allowable!!

3)       Have you just received the best gift ever?


Possibly!!

4)       Are you about to be parted for a long period of time due to war and may never see each other again?


He’d be in a cupboard, going NOWHERE!

5)       Have you just saved the world together?


Don’t think so!!

      

If the answer to all of these questions is NO then there is absolutely no need for this ….


Seriously, can you NOT do that please?  

Other people DO NOT want to see your sex faces. OK?? Cretins.

Am I wrong, people?



10 Characteristics That Say You’re A Fucking Train Wreck

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We all know someone who is a total fucking train wreck. Someone who probably seems OK to start, but when you scratch the surface, you come away thinking…”Hmmm, no sure about him/her!”. You might give them the benefit of the doubt, and why not? Everyone has their shit don’t they? Well, if you DON’T know someone like that, then YOU are that person.

Not convinced? You don’t need to display all of these characteristics but here is a handy list of behaviours that make you that guy/girl.

1) You spend a large portion of most/every conversation with others talking about the opposite sex; including (but not limited to) how you NEEED to find a nice girlfriend/boyfriend, how you cried even when your last brief relationship ended, how many numbers you normally collect at the weekend, your weekly pulling strategy etc etc etc.

2) Indiscriminately flirting with anyone who is above averagely attractive even if they are of the same sex. (and you’re ”not gay”)

3) Name dropping famous people who you may/may not have met in at least 1 conversation of vague relevance per week.

4) Constantly boasting about fantastic food eateries you frequent in at least 1 conversation of vague relevance per week.

5) Updating your Facebook with a status that you hope your friends will read and contact you immediately about.

6) Wearing entirely inappropriate clothing for any occasion (on purpose) and absolutely loving the extra attention it brings. This includes, wearing too much AND too little to social occasions.

7) Going out with someone for 3 weeks then start calling them ”the hubby” or ”the wife” etc and whinging about not being able to see your friends anymore.

8 ) Butting in on other peoples conversations to talk about football/x-factor/Towie etc etc

9) Voting for the Conservative Party

10) Still talking about your ex when you’ve been married/in a relationship for more than 2 years.

If you recognise any of these characteristics in yourself, then I’m just saying have a fucking word with yourself. It’s fine. I’m sure you are still popular/pretty/handsome. As I say, everyone has their shit don’t they? But just own it. OWN the fact that you are a fucking train wreck of a human being and don’t assume these characteristics make you less conspicuous; chances are EVERYONE knows you are fucked three ways from Sunday. So just wind your neck in, sit the fuck doon and above all, relaaaax.

I’m not saying I’m NOT one of these people. I’m not saying that. Just so we all are clear.

Breaking Bad

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I’ve been watching Breaking Bad for the past wee while. It’s excellent. I can’t recommend it enough.

It’s a straight laced chemistry teacher who, upon being diagnosed with lung cancer, turns to crime to put money away for his family when he’s gone. He turns to cooking meth.

I’m not going to explain any more. If you haven’t seen it then you should. It’s got some of the best performances of any tv series I’ve seen in a long time.

I never watched The Sopranos but I will get round to that.

Anyway, what has been your favourite tv series and why? IF you’ve watched Breaking Bad then tell me what you think of it.

I’m going to be here a lot more and to do that I will be taking down my time on twitter and Facebook. I think that blogging is worth doing and I feel as though that Twitter and Facebook make it easy for people to spew random brain shite all over the internet, with a captive audience and ready feedback for their shite. That’s the point though, it’s too easy.

So come in, take your shoes off and let’s fucking talk ok?

Stand Up Comedy: Thank you Brian Cox

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Did anyone watch Brian Cox’s Wonders Of The Universe? Fucking depressing wasn’t it? It made me have the serious fear. I was sitting on Sunday nights SWEATING because he was telling us essentially that this planet is just a tiny blip on the radar. And I’m expected to go to work tomorrow now mate? Don’t think so.

So I decided, since we are here for a short time that I don’t want to watch OTHER people living out their dreams and having a great time- while I am working in a boring (but good) job just bobbing along.

So last week I went to an open mic night to do some stand up comedy. I spent a few days writing and rehearsing. I turned up and it was a MUSIC open mic, but the guys at the Halt 2 who were arranging it were very friendly and agreed to let me go up. It went fantastically well, considering.

I decided that I would go to the PROPER  comedy night though. I thought it was open mic but it isn’t. You actually have to be booked in. Thankfully, the guy who runs it was kind enough to give me a shot. I was nestled between some very good comedians in the set list. I was shitting it.

Thankfully it went very well. A great learning curve. A few of my ‘parenthood’ related jokes didn’t do as well considering there was maybe 4 people with kids in the place but hey-ho they can’t all be winners.

So it went well and the guy who arranges it didn’t seem to regret giving me a go.

Infact, he’s asked me back!

So here we are, I’ll be at the POP UP COMEDY NIGHT at Halt 2 on Woodlands Road, Glasgow on Wednesday 24th May doing a wee slot.

Come and see me!It’s free!

The Kid’s Are Alright!

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HO-FUCKING-YES! Tickets to the live screening of Rab C Nesbitt! An absolute dream come true. My brother Bryan and I have been watching it since we were roughly the ages of my two boys just now (5 &7).

We started off with watching episodes of The Young Ones when we were very young! Say maybe 4 & 7 years old and we were absolutely obsessed with Rik Mayall and Ed Edmonson’s ‘Bottom’ later on (and I mean obsessed). Even though we were very young, it never did us any harm – as I say, we didn’t understand the more adult references (sex etc) because they were never really in a proper context or explored.

It’s probably why I let the kids watch the Burnistoun sketches. It never did my brother and I any harm and we are funnier people with a passion for comedy now. We used to act out Rab and Mary Doll haha just like my two doing their Sammy Strange. My mum said it takes her right back.

My mum let us cultivate our passion for comedy. I remember, even though she must have been on a very tight budget, she used to pay a fortune for a taxi from our Nana’s in East Kilbride just so we wouldn’t miss our favourite comedian at the time Phil Kay. What I realise now is that my mum wasn’t indiscriminate in what she let us watch on TV (I never thought she was) but rather very deliberate. Most of the comedy we got to watch was Scottish Comedy, or comedy by women (Jo Brand, Victoria Wood). I have to mention here that I remember SO clearly watching French & Saunders sketches (my mum didn’t like them but she let me watch them) and thinking “one day I want to do that!”. I can’t thank her enough for letting us watch things like, City Light’s, The High Life, Rab C Nesbitt, The Young Ones…then later things like Bottom, Chewing The Fat etc. All the while, we got to stay up late sometimes and watch stand up routines by Jo Brand, Jack Dee…. I have to say, being at Primary school and being able to get an early grasp on self-depreciating humour was a great defence mechanism. It really set me up well. When I got to Secondary I was like an iron cage of confidence and I took to comedy in drama classes like a duck to water. (hugs self)

So now I let my kids watch (selected) Burnistoun sketches and Bob’s Burgers as well. I’ll introduce them to some Rab C and some Chewing The Fat and maybe some Bottom as well. I hope one day they look back and appreciate it the way I appreciate MY mum’s foresight. She is a legend. She always laughs at my jokes. I love her.

Here is the bold yin’s doing their wee act.

Making An Effort

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I went swimming last week.

I’ve not been swimming in years and I went on my own. I didn’t think anything of it until I told other people about it and they were genuinely impressed at the apparent amount of sacks it takes to do that. Well, I tell you, it wasn’t exactly a walk in the fucking palace garden.

No joke, I hate swimming baths, the dirty dirty cesspools that they are. Honest, even thinking about it makes me nearly dry boke.

You are RIGHT in there with him, you know? Swimming about in other peoples piss and shit.

I started to think “Hold on a fucking minute here Alanna, what are you DOING? You HATE swimming pools! You’ll look like a total arsehole in this swimming costume. Let’s leave, see if we can get our money back.” I didn’t listen to myself though. Essentially I need to lose a bit of weight and generally tone up a bit and swimming is supposed to be the best so….

I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking “state o’ that!!!” but I ignored that feeling, showered and went into the water.

I can only do breaststroke but at first I couldn’t get a rhythm. People were gliding past me, hardly making a ripple in the water, then there was me splashing past like a total special case.

I felt as though the lifeguard was looking at me like, “state a her, she canny even do breaststroke hahaha!”.

I was in the water for about forty minutes. It took me 45 minutes (i think) to get my clothes back on. The cubicles are tiny, the woman in the one next to me must have thought I was trying to send her some sort of morse code message by the noise of me banging my fucking elbows off the sides. I worked up some sweat so I did.

I went to the hairdryer and started to use it. A woman with two wee girls came and put them up on the counter to brush their wee hair. I thought “check me hogging this hairdryer off they two wee lassies!” so I said to the woman “do you want to use this hairdryer for the girls?” – I was only trying to be nice but as soon as I said it the woman looked at me with a sort of terror as though I’d asked if she wanted me to beat them all to death with my hairbrush. She just said “oh no, they’ll be fine!”…no thanks or nothing. Cow.

Anyway, that was me. It was a fucking nightmare. I’m going back of course. Fuck.

A Simple Misunderstanding

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What follows is a conversation I had with my mum last week in the McDonald’s at Braehead.

MUM: I meant to tell you that Ricky Martin is coming.

ME: Here? Oh….right! (Why is my mum interested in Ricky Martin all of a sudden? Or do I even know her at all?) How much are the tickets?

MUM: A fiver I think!

ME: A FIVER? Fuck me, he’s went down hill hin’t he? That’s a shame! Is that because he came out the closet?

MUM: He did? Well…. I don’t know about that. They’ve always been around that price have they not?

ME: Have they? (How does she know? How did I NOT know this? A FIVER for fuck sake?) That’s mental. You’d think he’d charge more than that eh?

MUM:: Well they want to make sure as many people as possible go I suppose.

ME: Aye….aye a suppose they do aye. (What a fucken sin for that guy, man)

MUM: Do you want to go with me then?

ME: Eh….aye!? (I’m no sure about this)

ME: Aye, that would be good! (I’m really no sure about this – Angie’s maw gets us tickets to see Swan Lake and Dirty Dancing The Musical and ma maw is getting tickets to see Ricky Martin…?!)

ME: When….when is he coming?

MUM: It’s being arranged for a few weeks away, I’ll get tickets from Marion.

ME: Marion? In your work? Why would she have tickets? (Aha! This might explain it!)

MUM: She’s arranging it all. It’s for charity.

ME: MARION  IS? For CHARITY??? Wait, mum….WHO are we talking about here? (At this point I have no idea)

MUM: Ricky Martin! The medium…Ricky Martin!

ME: MUM! FOR FUCK SAKE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT RICKY ‘LIVING LA VIDA LOCA’ MARTIN. I THOUGHT YOU’D LOST THE FUCKING PLOT! (relief)

MUM: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

End.